Firstly, a warning. Today has been an exceedingly long day, I left the house at 7:15 this morning and got home just after 7:30 this evening. I have eaten and I have consumed a large alcoholic beverage, and now I am ready for bed in preparation for being out again at 7. So today’s entry will be short, it will be hate filled, and I will probably swear.
After my already longer than usual day at work I had to stay behind for our annual start of year branch meeting. Apparently these are now being held monthly, which fills me with more rage and horror than I can adequately convey without the use of props, such as an axe, a severed head and 18 pints of cow’s blood.
The actual content of this 90 minute meeting could easily have been conveyed in approximately 8 minutes 37 seconds if it hadn’t been for the two things they teach everyone at useless management school: unneccessary question and answer sessions, and fucking buzzwords. I hate fucking buzzwords.
At least 20 times in the course of this hour and a half our illustrious leader started a sentence with “Can anybody tell me…”, and finished off by asking some ridiculously simple question about an aspect of our business that you have to know to even pass your probation, or something that’s been all over the company intranet and been discussed in every morning meeting for days, weeks or months, a couple of times something we even discussed this morning. I appreciate that you may need to throw out the odd question to make sure everyone’s listening, but rest assured that in the 8 hours since we last “huddled” none of us have suffered a head trauma of sufficient severity to make us forget all the things that wake us in a cold sweat in the small hours of the morning.
And the buzzwords. Oh god, the buzzwords. To quote the amazing Tim Minchin,
Storm to her credit despite my derision
Keeps firing off clichés with startling precision
Like a sniper using bollocks for ammunition
Thinking outside the box, blue sky thinking (not entirely sure how those two work together, maybe the box is strapped to the roof of a 747?), clear blue water between us and the competition, the “go-to company”, even bloody “no I in team”, they were all out in full force, making each sentence twice as long as was necessary and so much harder to follow. If this is going to be a monthly occurrence I’m making laminated bingo cards.
We’ve even managed to coin a new one, which is what I will leave you with as I stumble to bed to spend the night dreaming about work before I get up and go back there tomorrow. We sat for 90 minutes as our boss discussed our plans for the upcoming year and changes to the business that will shortly be implemented, but the activity we were engaged in was not simply listening to information. No no, my friends, apparently we were downloading.